Easter

So, been feeling like I need to go back for Easter, for a few months now.  Had some trouble finding boots/shoes that work, first pair I found (and really liked) in September, left me with a lingering foot issue that took two weeks of wearing to show up (tailor's bunions, not to mention the inflammation of a regular one that I already had).  The foot issues are finally starting to calm down, but it's been four months, and there were days I could not walk without excruciating shooting pain...funny, how much you use the big toe joint to walk.

Then right after Thanksgiving, I started a bad RA flare, which is still bothering me.  I have good days and bad (today, is good).  I had started taking prednisone, and then this past Sunday, even with increasing the dose, couldn't use my hands for a good twelve hours (not without screaming pain), and there are mornings it feels like it takes ten minutes to put my pants on.

Anyway, with all this, was feeling like maybe I shouldn't travel.  My biggest issue would be packing my bag in the morning, doing laundry, etc.  Although, there are more washing machines now than there were before, and I'm gonna try packing my bag on a particularly rough morning, and see how that goes.  Maybe get a different stuff sack that I can use my forearms and feet to put the sleeping bag in.

It's funny, this is all a liability, for sure, and yet, maybe I can learn to ask for help, maybe I have something to offer besides my physical ability to do something.  Maybe there is value in me (in each of us) that lies beyond a physical/monetary/title, etc.  Maybe people like to be asked for help (though I still feel like an imposition.)  And I need to be able to take the time off, still haven't asked; life has been in a bit of flux.

Working through, if it's selfish to go, and to rely on others for help, at times.  Things internally, I need to face.  And also, wondering if that's why I need to go.  Or if that's all hubris.  Or maybe the flare will be over by the time I leave.  And yet, where I find myself right now, is the place where I have to make that decision from.

I am leaning to "yes", and the guilt isn't as strong as it sometimes is.  (And before this past September, I had no real intention of going back any time soon.)